The whereabouts of my mind.

A boy once asked me what my favorite flower was and because I am who I am of course the answer was not simple.  I can recall giving him a very long and drawn out story as to which flower I enjoyed looking at the most and the reasons why and then also a bunch of other flowers that I liked because of their certain features.  I am so concerned with this and my mind and the lack of ability to just answer a question simply.  But why, why answer questions so absent of the mind?

People these day’s don’t think to much before answering a question or saying things.  I am exactly like that to an extend or I guess i’ve become that because it’s much easier to handle people that way and it’s also hassle free to keep a wall up when you don’t give them the answers that they possibly desire without even being aware of the actual thing that under the surface they have a need to know.  If that wasn’t a mouthful then I have no idea what is.  

Anyways, I have come to realize I miss my old self and my extended answers to people.  I find myself boring these day’s and maybe that’s something i’m going to really have to work out. I think that I am more responsive and smart then I have ever been and it’s slowly killing me to have such a rushed response to people and their simple curiosity.

I like lilies, they are simple and delicate, I like the way they curve and I think they make a perfect wedding flower for the bride with an incomplex wedding.  Where she walks down the isle and they say their vows, kiss and have one hell of a party.  I would catch them, at least I would try when she throws them to the next bride.  They are timeless and full of beauty, I enjoy them and what they bring to occasions.

I adore lilacs because of the scent they give off in the summer, just as they are blooming.  It’s beautiful and reminds me of home and my mother. They are truly bold flowers and are everywhere, which is the best part. I love them and they bring me happiness.  I like the colors and how they dance in the wind.  I appreciate them and how lovely they are.

The daisy though, that is my favorite flower.  It is beautiful in all the right ways… He loves me, he loves me not.  It is soft and silent, you can find it anywhere. I relate to the daisy because like the daisy, I am all over the place.  It smells pretty and is sweet, simple and charming.  I love daisies.

 

The point is, to answer a question is easy.  Too answer the question while understanding it and going further in depth is something magnificent.

 

Always, the lovely t.

That’s when it happened.

I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones.  I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully.   I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him.  I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love. 

As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?”  He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion.  It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter.  But it does, it does matter.

I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive.  I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.

Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated.  I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?

I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar.  I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about. 

They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier.  But I think they are entirely wrong.  Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself.  I hate that. 

I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things.  I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.  

You know what kind of love I want?  I’ll tell you.

The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing.  Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you.  They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on.  Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable.  I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all.  I want love that is lustrous, and bold.  Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for.  A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning.  The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand.  The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason.  A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam.  A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them.  The kind of love that makes you act instead of think.  Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available.  A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world.  I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them.  A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you.  A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want.   Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck.  I want that love.  That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.

Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for.  I will tell you this:  If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it.  Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it.  Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.

Always, the lovely t.