World of me.

I wake up, I get ready, I drink my coffee and as of lately I have my cigarette.  I will go to the grave saying I don’t actually smoke and that I am strictly a closet smoker and because of stress, currently I am smoking more than less.  

I go to work, I go to my desk.  I go through my email and paper work and make sure all is well for the rest of my day. I have meetings and then finally I get down to work.  I have a typical job and it’s something I do enjoy.  I keep business and personal life separate or else I will start to hate my job and also the things I do in my spare time. 

My life right now is a complete mess.  I am so young and have my life together and i’m proud of that but also feel badly because I have yet to really live.  I know that this is so confusing and i’m also very confused hence my confusion rant.  But I can’t stress it enough that though you have your life together does not mean you can’t be a beautiful mess or maybe an unbeautiful mess.  Either way, it is hard to determine what makes life just good or great.  I don’t want good enough.  Some people are content with good enough and that’s okay.  

However I just wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have my life together. I studied and worked my ass off and I wonder what it would be like if I had slacked and not really cared.  I guess I should thank my mom for that because she was always on my case about being smart and understanding that life is what you make it and success is key and that if you want to be able to do things, you need to have money to do so but at the same time teaching me the value of a dollar and the ability to save and work for your money instead of having things handed to you, which is why I have an incredible work ethic and i’m very happy about that.  

I have this world that I live in that is so peculiar.  I don’t wish for a second it was different because I have grown to love my life and also dislike parts of it.  That’s generally something that happens though, you never stop wanting more and if you ever stop wanting more then I feel bad for you and I wish you the best in your already perfect life.

I hope that the world of me changes everyday, I hope that the little things start to count and I start to enjoy them even if they aren’t good.   I hope that eventually I will understand the depth of my life and the depth my heart, mind and soul.

I am a mess and I am put together.  The spectrum is endless.

Always, the lovely t.

The whereabouts of my mind.

A boy once asked me what my favorite flower was and because I am who I am of course the answer was not simple.  I can recall giving him a very long and drawn out story as to which flower I enjoyed looking at the most and the reasons why and then also a bunch of other flowers that I liked because of their certain features.  I am so concerned with this and my mind and the lack of ability to just answer a question simply.  But why, why answer questions so absent of the mind?

People these day’s don’t think to much before answering a question or saying things.  I am exactly like that to an extend or I guess i’ve become that because it’s much easier to handle people that way and it’s also hassle free to keep a wall up when you don’t give them the answers that they possibly desire without even being aware of the actual thing that under the surface they have a need to know.  If that wasn’t a mouthful then I have no idea what is.  

Anyways, I have come to realize I miss my old self and my extended answers to people.  I find myself boring these day’s and maybe that’s something i’m going to really have to work out. I think that I am more responsive and smart then I have ever been and it’s slowly killing me to have such a rushed response to people and their simple curiosity.

I like lilies, they are simple and delicate, I like the way they curve and I think they make a perfect wedding flower for the bride with an incomplex wedding.  Where she walks down the isle and they say their vows, kiss and have one hell of a party.  I would catch them, at least I would try when she throws them to the next bride.  They are timeless and full of beauty, I enjoy them and what they bring to occasions.

I adore lilacs because of the scent they give off in the summer, just as they are blooming.  It’s beautiful and reminds me of home and my mother. They are truly bold flowers and are everywhere, which is the best part. I love them and they bring me happiness.  I like the colors and how they dance in the wind.  I appreciate them and how lovely they are.

The daisy though, that is my favorite flower.  It is beautiful in all the right ways… He loves me, he loves me not.  It is soft and silent, you can find it anywhere. I relate to the daisy because like the daisy, I am all over the place.  It smells pretty and is sweet, simple and charming.  I love daisies.

 

The point is, to answer a question is easy.  Too answer the question while understanding it and going further in depth is something magnificent.

 

Always, the lovely t.

That’s when it happened.

I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones.  I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully.   I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him.  I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love. 

As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?”  He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion.  It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter.  But it does, it does matter.

I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive.  I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.

Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated.  I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?

I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar.  I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about. 

They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier.  But I think they are entirely wrong.  Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself.  I hate that. 

I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things.  I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.  

You know what kind of love I want?  I’ll tell you.

The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing.  Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you.  They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on.  Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable.  I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all.  I want love that is lustrous, and bold.  Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for.  A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning.  The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand.  The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason.  A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam.  A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them.  The kind of love that makes you act instead of think.  Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available.  A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world.  I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them.  A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you.  A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want.   Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck.  I want that love.  That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.

Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for.  I will tell you this:  If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it.  Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it.  Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.

Always, the lovely t.

Remember me.

I could stay if you asked me, but I wouldn’t.  I know it’s wrong, but who says it’s supposed to be right or that I’m supposed to understand you and what you like.  I like when we laid on the floor in my small apartment, fooling around as fallacious as it was and every other time after that.  How your hands tangled up in my hair made me feel alive and the way you called me miss, the little things you did like when you would look over your glasses at me, especially the way you would touch me.  I’ve never had sex like that in my life, that feeling of being really wanted.  The way you held me so close and the way you watched me move as if I was something you’d never seen before, you are brilliant and you are beautiful.  I wanted you and everything you had to offer at that time, that current moment.  I had you for a month and I loved you for a month.  I know I wasn’t supposed to feel and I did and that’s okay because I like how you speak and I love your raw passion for what you do and the knowledge you have and teach me.  Every time we are together, I enjoy you.  Your simple presence is a joy in itself.  Maybe it’s the mess inside myself that brings me closer to you or the fact that you’re so well put together on the outside that deep down you’re probably half the wreck I am.  Believe me it’s a war within myself I fight everyday.  Don’t think I’ll ever forget your face, you were worth all of it.  I don’t regret or feel guilt over anything we’ve shared.  You sir, are something else.  I had you for a month and then you were gone… or maybe I was gone.  I’m not sure, but I know if you had asked me to stay, I would have said no, kissed you on the cheek and left. 

Remember me, sir.  I too will remember you.

Always, The lovely T.

Soul mates, true or false?

Soul mates.  Is there such thing?  It’s absurd to think that one person can truly fulfill all your wants and needs.  There are billions of people in this world and for one person to be everything you’d ever hoped for is completely unfathomable.  Really?

As human beings we are taught to settle.  We are told that once we grow up we find respectable partners, get married, buy a house and eventually have children who we, as well will teach to settle.  You’ll have a good life with him they said… A good life indeed.

I am in a serious relationship and I always thought that “he’s the one.”   I also believe that the one could be sitting in the same room as me, sipping his coffee and may very well be able to offer me the emotional stimulant that my current relationship is missing and has been for a very long time.  It’s what happens when you get to comfortable with one person.  You become something that’s tangible. 

It stops being a relationship when you need that person instead of want that person.  Soul mate?  Pft, you might as well call it a cell mate.  Maybe we’re not supposed to find our soul mate.  We’re supposed to walk the earth in search but never to find. 

The point is, we are not meant to find our soul mates, why?  Because they simply do not exist.  You create your own happiness and all that comes with it.  You can spend your whole life in search of that person but you’ll only end up disappointed.  You’ll end up unhappy and sad.  If you find that person who you’re 100% happy with then love them while you can, share and explore, create memories. 

I don’t completely nix the idea of love, don’t get me wrong.  Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world but love shouldn’t just be passed around.  Love needs boundaries, or else it gets taken advantage of.  You can love something or someone with all your heart and expect nothing in return… Don’t love yourself into a coma. 

A soul mate?  No, no … A for now mate.

Okay.. hold up

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Just came across this quote for about the billionth time.  It drives me insane!

I think it’s completely unrealistic to hold all that emotion in, especially when something ends. People go their whole lives hiding behind a smile.  If something ends, whether good or bad and you want to cry about it.  CRY ABOUT IT!  What the hell is wrong with having an unreal cry session.  First of all, crying is a good thing.  Crying is something any normal human being does to let out whatever emotion they are feeling.  You get stronger everyday something happens.  You get better and wiser as the day’s go by.  So why not cry about it and then smile.  Here’s a story that goes along with this.  It’s sappy.. So beware my friends.

Once upon a time, when I was a 16 year old young lady I met a boy.  Wow, did I fall hard and fast.  I thought I was going to spend my life with this guy.  He was smart and hansom and everything any young girl could want in a guy ( I was 16, remember) and I really loved him.  Then.. Calgary stampede happened… I got a text saying “I hooked up with 3 different girls last night, Tia… Please don’t break up with me” for the whole day he fought for me and I forgave him because I wanted him, I loved him and couldn’t let him go. So the very next day happened and he did the exact same thing.  More girls.. I ended it right then and there.. and believe me I cried.  I cried on the bathroom floor, I cried in my bed, I cried on the bus, I cried at school, I cried in my loving mothers arms, I cried during work, I cried while I was eating, I cried while I was sleeping even.  Point is, I just cried.  It felt good, it felt real. My first heart break.  Looking back i’m glad I did.  My mom gave me the best advice. If all else fails, cry…as hard and as loud as you can, get it out.  Then, when you are done… Pick yourself up and carry on.  That’s exactly what I did.  Looking back.. I still feel that pain. I’m glad I did and i’m glad I went through it.  I’m a stronger person now then I ever was at 16. 

To end this story, that boy and I are actually friends now.  He’s probably one of the best.  I miss him, everyday. I can smile though, because I know that even though as bad as it hurt.  I learned. 

Crying is not a bad thing. It’s a beautiful emotion we shouldn’t take for granted.

Cry…. cry and cry and you will become stronger and better for it… That way, at the end of it all.  You smile 🙂

Well, this is a first.

Be gentle, it’s my first time.

On a day to day basis, I think these thoughts about so many different things that have to do with the beautiful of it all.  Life, love, work, friendships – you name it!  

So I decided to create a blog, eh why nawt.  Maybe i’ll take this time to introduce myself :

Who am I? Let me tell you!

I’m realistic and also not so much, I have an extremely dry sense of humor and that does make for awkward and awesome situations, but I don’t care to much what other’s think.  I believe in law of attraction and the ability to create.  I’m a little bit all over the place, which doesn’t always come in handy but I make it work.  I’m clumsy, very very very clumsy.  I make  mistakes like every other human being.  I’m sarcastic and very blunt.  I like to read and I like to write.  I once heard that “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” – Socrates – True story,  Knowledge is power.. you never stop learning.  Life is what you make it.  You are in charge of your own life and you have got to live it to the fullest.  I’m pretty much a mess all the time.. not in the woah your house looks like a tornado, more like omg your world is totally different from mine, but I like that and I think it works. I don’t think I could ever live without coffee and that’s something I don’t want to ever give up because it’s warm and delicious.  I’m smart and i’m delightful, most of the time.  I like the idea of a soul mate but I think it’s unrealistic and absolutely absurd.  I will write my heart out on this blog and I think that it’s okay.  It’s a lot cheaper then a psychologist and believe me.. we all need one.  I say what I think and i’m not afraid to hurt someone’s feelings… That sounds cold, but it’s not.  You are in control of your own feelings and if I make you feel that way then I apologize but maybe keep that wall up because the worlds going to break your heart everyday.  Don’t sweat it, you’ll live.  I rant like a crazy person and I am a little crazy.. but hey.. who isn’t these days.  I’m an open book and I would love to paint you a picture of myself.

Believe me when I say this.  You will know me… all about me, but not everything.

Until next time!

Always, thelovelyT