World of me.

I wake up, I get ready, I drink my coffee and as of lately I have my cigarette.  I will go to the grave saying I don’t actually smoke and that I am strictly a closet smoker and because of stress, currently I am smoking more than less.  

I go to work, I go to my desk.  I go through my email and paper work and make sure all is well for the rest of my day. I have meetings and then finally I get down to work.  I have a typical job and it’s something I do enjoy.  I keep business and personal life separate or else I will start to hate my job and also the things I do in my spare time. 

My life right now is a complete mess.  I am so young and have my life together and i’m proud of that but also feel badly because I have yet to really live.  I know that this is so confusing and i’m also very confused hence my confusion rant.  But I can’t stress it enough that though you have your life together does not mean you can’t be a beautiful mess or maybe an unbeautiful mess.  Either way, it is hard to determine what makes life just good or great.  I don’t want good enough.  Some people are content with good enough and that’s okay.  

However I just wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have my life together. I studied and worked my ass off and I wonder what it would be like if I had slacked and not really cared.  I guess I should thank my mom for that because she was always on my case about being smart and understanding that life is what you make it and success is key and that if you want to be able to do things, you need to have money to do so but at the same time teaching me the value of a dollar and the ability to save and work for your money instead of having things handed to you, which is why I have an incredible work ethic and i’m very happy about that.  

I have this world that I live in that is so peculiar.  I don’t wish for a second it was different because I have grown to love my life and also dislike parts of it.  That’s generally something that happens though, you never stop wanting more and if you ever stop wanting more then I feel bad for you and I wish you the best in your already perfect life.

I hope that the world of me changes everyday, I hope that the little things start to count and I start to enjoy them even if they aren’t good.   I hope that eventually I will understand the depth of my life and the depth my heart, mind and soul.

I am a mess and I am put together.  The spectrum is endless.

Always, the lovely t.

The whereabouts of my mind.

A boy once asked me what my favorite flower was and because I am who I am of course the answer was not simple.  I can recall giving him a very long and drawn out story as to which flower I enjoyed looking at the most and the reasons why and then also a bunch of other flowers that I liked because of their certain features.  I am so concerned with this and my mind and the lack of ability to just answer a question simply.  But why, why answer questions so absent of the mind?

People these day’s don’t think to much before answering a question or saying things.  I am exactly like that to an extend or I guess i’ve become that because it’s much easier to handle people that way and it’s also hassle free to keep a wall up when you don’t give them the answers that they possibly desire without even being aware of the actual thing that under the surface they have a need to know.  If that wasn’t a mouthful then I have no idea what is.  

Anyways, I have come to realize I miss my old self and my extended answers to people.  I find myself boring these day’s and maybe that’s something i’m going to really have to work out. I think that I am more responsive and smart then I have ever been and it’s slowly killing me to have such a rushed response to people and their simple curiosity.

I like lilies, they are simple and delicate, I like the way they curve and I think they make a perfect wedding flower for the bride with an incomplex wedding.  Where she walks down the isle and they say their vows, kiss and have one hell of a party.  I would catch them, at least I would try when she throws them to the next bride.  They are timeless and full of beauty, I enjoy them and what they bring to occasions.

I adore lilacs because of the scent they give off in the summer, just as they are blooming.  It’s beautiful and reminds me of home and my mother. They are truly bold flowers and are everywhere, which is the best part. I love them and they bring me happiness.  I like the colors and how they dance in the wind.  I appreciate them and how lovely they are.

The daisy though, that is my favorite flower.  It is beautiful in all the right ways… He loves me, he loves me not.  It is soft and silent, you can find it anywhere. I relate to the daisy because like the daisy, I am all over the place.  It smells pretty and is sweet, simple and charming.  I love daisies.

 

The point is, to answer a question is easy.  Too answer the question while understanding it and going further in depth is something magnificent.

 

Always, the lovely t.

Work place ridicule.

I have missed a few day’s of work due to illness.  Not that it matters, in fact it really has nothing to do with what i’m actually going to write about.  I just wanted you to know, that I was sick.

Anyways, there is a woman I work with, she drives me insane.  I’ve been studying her and please don’t think i’m strange for that, I am a people watcher.  I try to understand and look past the things they do so that I am aware of who I surround myself with on a day to day basis.  This girl is different, she is loud, obnoxious and very blunt in all the wrong ways.

Since the day I have met this girl, I have not liked her.  I have been completely fake to her and I’m not afraid to admit that.  I have judged her and I need to stop because I have just realized something very important :

I am no better then her. I have my ways and she has hers.  I have not befriended this lady on a count that she is probably the most annoying and loud person I have ever encountered.  I have watched her and discovered that I simply don’t want to be her friend because of these faults that she has.  That doesn’t make me a bad person because I am only human and as a human being I am no different when it comes to the judgmental factors of life.  

I could describe to you this girl in many ways and I don’t think i’ll go there because she is not someone I enjoy.  She is someone I have studied and come to the conclusion that one, she is rude, two she is odd in all the ways someone can be odd and three, she is just plain aggravating.   

She has called me a princess and threatened me plenty of times at work.  First of all, miss… I am not a princess, I have grown and worked my ass off my whole life and have been tough when I needed to be and I am not a princess because I know I have gotten my hands dirty more times then she has.  Second of all, I called her Meggy one time to get her attention and her words were and I quote “If you call me that again I will end you.”  Okay, psycho… please take your meds and proceed to the next exit.  Third, she is so vexatious that I had to changed desks to escape her rath.

I will not judge her anymore.  I will not let my insecurities reflect onto this person.  I do not understand her yet, but I think there might be more to her then what she is portraying and maybe it’s my curiosity that wants to learn more about this person or the fact that I sort of feel bad for this girl and maybe it’s just that I have this incredible urge to help and heal people.  

I think she is damaged and tries to cover it up, honestly I just don’t know and I intend to find out.  

I will not judge, I will learn.

Always, the lovely T.

That’s when it happened.

I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones.  I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully.   I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him.  I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love. 

As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?”  He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion.  It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter.  But it does, it does matter.

I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive.  I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.

Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated.  I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?

I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar.  I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about. 

They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier.  But I think they are entirely wrong.  Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself.  I hate that. 

I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things.  I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.  

You know what kind of love I want?  I’ll tell you.

The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing.  Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you.  They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on.  Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable.  I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all.  I want love that is lustrous, and bold.  Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for.  A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning.  The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand.  The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason.  A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam.  A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them.  The kind of love that makes you act instead of think.  Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available.  A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world.  I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them.  A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you.  A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want.   Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck.  I want that love.  That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.

Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for.  I will tell you this:  If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it.  Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it.  Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.

Always, the lovely t.

I hope I never create another me.

It has come to my attention that I am very stuck in my way’s and I have terrible habits that I’m not certain I will ever be able to shake.  One thing my mother always told me or more so sternly said was “Tia, I hope your children end up exactly like you… THEN you will understand” Please god no.  I swear if my children end up like me the world is in for it.. and more importantly myself. 

I believe I started to turn when I was 13.   I think that was a pivotal moment in my life as a young girl.  I remember all my older friends were starting to drink and I remember never really being into that sort of thing until of course the first time I ever actually got drunk. 

I did it on my own terms of course because I’ve never really been the person to just stand by and let people make choices for me, that is until I met Dustin.. But that’s another story.  Anyways.. Growing up I never let anyone tell me what to do and I liked that about myself and I still like that about myself.  I’m stubborn and I don’t mind it at all.  Anyways, I remember being 14 and having that first drink and how good it felt to be out of my own mind.  I also remember the morning and how terrible it felt.  That, I think was really the beginning.

When someone tells me no, I don’t take kindly to that.  I’m a yes person and as I sit here drinking my chai tea I wonder if I’ll ever be a no person and that thought enters my brain quiet a bit but I digress, god I’m bad for that. 

I think that when I got my first boyfriend things really changed.  I remember being so in love with him and wanting everything to work out perfectly, I loved that guy.  Definitely.

When I started living on my own I really realized how fucked up I really was.  How incredibly dysfunctional and ridiculously clumsy I was.  That’s when I also realized that when things get hard to a little confusing I pretty much throw my hands in the air, light a cigarette and have a bubble bath or a glass of wine.. or just cruise with loud music.

I’m afraid that all the things that have happened in my life to me are going to happen to my children.  When they ask me the questions I fear will eventually really hit home, I’m afraid of what I will say, if I’ll answer them the right way or the wrong way. I can’t be entirely sure of this which drives me crazy and I know I won’t really have an idea until I actually have one of my own. 

What if I can’t pass on the knowledge I have.  What I’m reluctant because I don’t want them to ever know what it’s like to struggle with ones self or to let the world know you’re not okay or maybe that you are okay, but going through a rough patch.  I know something about myself that I’ve always found a way out.  I’ve always been able to figure it out.  What if I can’t figure out this though? What if my kids are complete fuck ups and it’s totally my fault because of the erratic, eccentric, self loathing person I truly am. 

I’m that person that will teach my kids straight up.  No secrets, damn it I’m still going to walk around with just a t-shirt on and my glasses simply because I’m not very good at seeing and I like having my legs free to dangle off my chair on the deck when I have my morning coffee and sometimes cigarette.  Is that not okay?

I don’t think I will ever be able to have functioning kids and I also think I would make a terrible babysitter because I have very low patience. 

I think I will stick with my dog.  Because at least when I come home and flop on the bed, I still get love and kisses.

Always, the lovely T

I am not average and I don’t intend to be.

Well, today as I awoke to see the beautiful sun as it shined upon my face… Just kidding this is not one of those happy stories where everything turns out alright.

Today is just a really horrible day and I really do need to continually tell myself that it’ll be alright.  Part of me feels as if an air craft were to fly threw my window and ruin me I’d almost be okay with it. 

First of all, yes the sun was shining today and it was beautiful… Until I got out of bed.  Obviously the first mistake because what sane person wakes up last minute for an appointment.  Me, that’s right. 

Let’s just clear something up.  I got a ticket the other day for and I quote “disobeying the traffic laws in a construction zone”  OKAY, seriously dude.. The “can’t turn left sign” was not in a very good place and if you expect people to follow the rules in a big city, maybe make your signs more visible!  Anyways, I digress.  Long and the short of it is I needed to switch over my insurance or else it’s a $2800 dollar fine for invalid insurance. 

So I go to get an inspection because when you move provinces you must jump threw hoops and also learn to fly before they even consider helping you.  All of a sudden, this little tiny Asian man, god bless his heart tells me that I don’t pass.. WHY YOU ASK.. Because of a tiny crack on my windshield. I said, sir.. Please, I need to get this done today and in some Asian form said no and the next thing I know I’m driving back to where I’m currently staying.  WHAT THE HELL.  It all happened so fast and next thing you know I am right back at square one and $145 dollars out.

So then I text my boyfriend, who was out with his friends the night before and he just won’t let me come pick him up.  Like what are you hiding?  At this point, my hairs a mess, my make up is EVERYWHERE and I look like I’ve been through it all.

Bottom line, insurance companies suck and so does Alberta. 

What will I do now?  Turn up some obnoxious music, have a cigarette and just cruise.

(even though driving at this point is illegal and I also don’t smoke regularly, I don’t care.)

Always, the lovely t.

Well, this is a first.

Be gentle, it’s my first time.

On a day to day basis, I think these thoughts about so many different things that have to do with the beautiful of it all.  Life, love, work, friendships – you name it!  

So I decided to create a blog, eh why nawt.  Maybe i’ll take this time to introduce myself :

Who am I? Let me tell you!

I’m realistic and also not so much, I have an extremely dry sense of humor and that does make for awkward and awesome situations, but I don’t care to much what other’s think.  I believe in law of attraction and the ability to create.  I’m a little bit all over the place, which doesn’t always come in handy but I make it work.  I’m clumsy, very very very clumsy.  I make  mistakes like every other human being.  I’m sarcastic and very blunt.  I like to read and I like to write.  I once heard that “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” – Socrates – True story,  Knowledge is power.. you never stop learning.  Life is what you make it.  You are in charge of your own life and you have got to live it to the fullest.  I’m pretty much a mess all the time.. not in the woah your house looks like a tornado, more like omg your world is totally different from mine, but I like that and I think it works. I don’t think I could ever live without coffee and that’s something I don’t want to ever give up because it’s warm and delicious.  I’m smart and i’m delightful, most of the time.  I like the idea of a soul mate but I think it’s unrealistic and absolutely absurd.  I will write my heart out on this blog and I think that it’s okay.  It’s a lot cheaper then a psychologist and believe me.. we all need one.  I say what I think and i’m not afraid to hurt someone’s feelings… That sounds cold, but it’s not.  You are in control of your own feelings and if I make you feel that way then I apologize but maybe keep that wall up because the worlds going to break your heart everyday.  Don’t sweat it, you’ll live.  I rant like a crazy person and I am a little crazy.. but hey.. who isn’t these days.  I’m an open book and I would love to paint you a picture of myself.

Believe me when I say this.  You will know me… all about me, but not everything.

Until next time!

Always, thelovelyT