That’s when it happened.

I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones.  I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully.   I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him.  I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love. 

As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?”  He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion.  It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter.  But it does, it does matter.

I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive.  I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.

Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated.  I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?

I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar.  I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about. 

They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier.  But I think they are entirely wrong.  Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself.  I hate that. 

I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things.  I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.  

You know what kind of love I want?  I’ll tell you.

The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing.  Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you.  They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on.  Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable.  I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all.  I want love that is lustrous, and bold.  Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for.  A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning.  The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand.  The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason.  A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam.  A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them.  The kind of love that makes you act instead of think.  Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available.  A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world.  I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them.  A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you.  A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want.   Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck.  I want that love.  That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.

Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for.  I will tell you this:  If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it.  Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it.  Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.

Always, the lovely t.

Coffee and a fight.

Throughout the last few years that my partner and I have been together, I have come to realize that he will never get rid of his “best friend.”  That sounds crazy that a girlfriend would ask her boyfriend to nix the bff.  However, this best friend is not a good best friend but a horrible best friend.

When we first started dating, I tried hard to get in with his friends.  I did all that I could to prove that I was a good person for Dustin.  Looking back now, I regret doing that. 

This best friends name is Crane, legit.. his name is actually Crane.  I have tried to see the good in this person for as long as possible but I just can’t do it anymore.  The way I would pitch Crane to someone would be this : If you like giving your money away instead of lending, if you like drugs that you have to pay for while he does them, if you like lazy, no interest in getting a job or even trying to become a normal human being in society.  If you enjoy wasting your friends time and coming between their relationship knowing full well how the girlfriend feels about drugs and other things, then Crane… He is the friend for you.  

Dustin is a good person, he is smart and nice.  He has a good job and a good life ahead of him.  We just bought a house and are planning to hopefully start a family.  I on the other hand have put a stop to all those big plans until he is done being friends with Crane. 

I have never understood why Dustin surrounds himself with friends that are so useless to him and I’ve asked him so many times, why?! Is it because you feel bad for them?  But no he says.  I just don’t get it, am I completely stupid?

He argues with me to the bitter end when it comes to who he will you choose.  I am lost.  I don’t know if I should walk away at this point. 

I would have never asked this of any of my boyfriends but I felt like it was necessary.  I need him to understand that it’s for his own well being and that I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t feel it to be something of great importance.

Until next time, Always, the lovely t.

Cowboy boots and cardigans.

I am from the country.  My father is an extremely hard working man and does what he can to support his family.  My mother is the nicest and most loving person you will ever meet, it doesn’t matter who you are – she will love you.  My brother is something different, he is a strong person but deep down he is the sweetest kid and wears his heart on his sleeve.  My sister is a beautiful little girl with a lot of built up emotion that she doesn’t know how to control, probably what happens when you are the youngest of three.  Me? I am the oldest and I hold the family together.  I keep what’s left of this little family alive.  I am the most feisty and reluctant person when it comes to these four people who I have loved since the day I met each and every one of them. 

We are all different and probably the reason we don’t all get along very well.  Except my mom, she gets along with everyone because she is so nice but also naïve and that makes her a push over.  Yet she is the most beautiful human being I know, would and has done everything and anything for us.  My dad is head strong, very set in his ways – Sort of like me, which I can’t say is a bad thing although I know it is, simply because I, myself am not ashamed to admit I have an anger problem and take it out on the innocence of whoever is around me.  I know that my brother is becoming like that, but he is the best balance out of all three between the two parents.  My sister, she is my mother.  She is blonde and blue eyed and is a complete wreck much like myself. 

I am far from them, physically.  I get phone calls or texts every week to update me on what’s going on.  It would seem as if they are all falling apart with out me, I am troubled by this.  I don’t think it’s selfish that I ran away from it all. I think it’s fair.  I think that I, being the oldest should have the chance to get away.  I know Thomas, my brother will eventually want to run away too.  Chelbie, my sister, she will be the one that stay’s.  She loves my mom more then any of us and she isn’t afraid to show it. 

I am that glue, I put the pieces together when they have fallen apart. I am the one they go to.  I have the answers and I don’t know how I got them. I grew up fast and I grew up like this.  I am not ashamed as I have stated.  We are a beautiful family and we love each other all very much.  We say things we don’t mean and we don’t get over it very easily but I know that if any one us needed anything we would be there. 

My mom and her faith, she is a good lady, with a good heart and she is loved.  She thinks the world of everybody she meets and rarely has anything to say that is bad about anyone.  She will take you in to her house and become your friend, she will make you a cup of tea and from then on she will be your rock, when you need her she will be there.  I don’t know how she does it, I look at her sometimes puzzled.. wondering how she sees the good in everything as if nothing bad can happen.  She just takes the good with the bad and she enjoys her life, I wish I could say the same, not that I don’t but just the way she does it.  Like nothing can stop her.  She’s has raised me to be an excellent person with good intention and I love her for that and I know that I have a functional part to me and that part is her. The only thing that has been consistent in my life is her love.  I will tell you this though, if you mess with her dog… she will attack.. my mom I mean… not the dog.

My dad, he is where the dysfunction in my life comes from.  I have always wondered why my dad is so set in his ways and how he does things.  I’ve often wondered if it was his mother who instilled that in him.  He is a strong man and a very hard worker.  He has done plenty for us and he will continue to do plenty.  He has had a rough life within himself I believe and I don’t think he will ever get over it.  I think that he loves us though, I know he always has and always will.  He is a protector and he is a fighter.  He loves his daughters and when he first met Dustin he put the fear of god into him and they have oddly enough been friends ever since.  I know that somewhere in the big persona he reflects is a huge teddy bear.  He will tell you how it is and you will listen.  He is that person.  My dad has raised me to be tough, there are no pansies in his little family unit.  I like scotch and whiskey and that is because of my father.  Not that he was a drunk, because he’s not, he’s far from it.  He always told me to cover my own ass and that I am number one.  Do what makes you happy he said, do not live for others or you will never truly live.  I know that is true and the reason I’m this tough, take no shit, do what I want, when I want and dysfunctional person is because of him.  I am a good mix between the two parents. 

My brother and sister are who they are.  My brother is a strong young man who is trying to live up to the standards my dad has set for him and my sister is an innocent all around sweetheart who buries her emotions so deep inside that when they come out she becomes a monster and yet she is so lost that I need to guide her.. I need to guide her to the part of herself where she will feel okay.  I miss them, I feel sad that I can’t be there to watch them grow and learn but I can teach them all the things I have learned.

I am the glue, I have said this before and I will say it again.  I am that part of my family that holds them together, when they are lost or when they are found.  Without me, they would fall apart.  This is true and this is what I know.  I love them and they love me.

I know that one day, I will be back with them and maybe one day I will add to this family.  Until then, I will be the glue and they will be the pieces.

Always, the lovely t.

I hope I never create another me.

It has come to my attention that I am very stuck in my way’s and I have terrible habits that I’m not certain I will ever be able to shake.  One thing my mother always told me or more so sternly said was “Tia, I hope your children end up exactly like you… THEN you will understand” Please god no.  I swear if my children end up like me the world is in for it.. and more importantly myself. 

I believe I started to turn when I was 13.   I think that was a pivotal moment in my life as a young girl.  I remember all my older friends were starting to drink and I remember never really being into that sort of thing until of course the first time I ever actually got drunk. 

I did it on my own terms of course because I’ve never really been the person to just stand by and let people make choices for me, that is until I met Dustin.. But that’s another story.  Anyways.. Growing up I never let anyone tell me what to do and I liked that about myself and I still like that about myself.  I’m stubborn and I don’t mind it at all.  Anyways, I remember being 14 and having that first drink and how good it felt to be out of my own mind.  I also remember the morning and how terrible it felt.  That, I think was really the beginning.

When someone tells me no, I don’t take kindly to that.  I’m a yes person and as I sit here drinking my chai tea I wonder if I’ll ever be a no person and that thought enters my brain quiet a bit but I digress, god I’m bad for that. 

I think that when I got my first boyfriend things really changed.  I remember being so in love with him and wanting everything to work out perfectly, I loved that guy.  Definitely.

When I started living on my own I really realized how fucked up I really was.  How incredibly dysfunctional and ridiculously clumsy I was.  That’s when I also realized that when things get hard to a little confusing I pretty much throw my hands in the air, light a cigarette and have a bubble bath or a glass of wine.. or just cruise with loud music.

I’m afraid that all the things that have happened in my life to me are going to happen to my children.  When they ask me the questions I fear will eventually really hit home, I’m afraid of what I will say, if I’ll answer them the right way or the wrong way. I can’t be entirely sure of this which drives me crazy and I know I won’t really have an idea until I actually have one of my own. 

What if I can’t pass on the knowledge I have.  What I’m reluctant because I don’t want them to ever know what it’s like to struggle with ones self or to let the world know you’re not okay or maybe that you are okay, but going through a rough patch.  I know something about myself that I’ve always found a way out.  I’ve always been able to figure it out.  What if I can’t figure out this though? What if my kids are complete fuck ups and it’s totally my fault because of the erratic, eccentric, self loathing person I truly am. 

I’m that person that will teach my kids straight up.  No secrets, damn it I’m still going to walk around with just a t-shirt on and my glasses simply because I’m not very good at seeing and I like having my legs free to dangle off my chair on the deck when I have my morning coffee and sometimes cigarette.  Is that not okay?

I don’t think I will ever be able to have functioning kids and I also think I would make a terrible babysitter because I have very low patience. 

I think I will stick with my dog.  Because at least when I come home and flop on the bed, I still get love and kisses.

Always, the lovely T

I am not average and I don’t intend to be.

Well, today as I awoke to see the beautiful sun as it shined upon my face… Just kidding this is not one of those happy stories where everything turns out alright.

Today is just a really horrible day and I really do need to continually tell myself that it’ll be alright.  Part of me feels as if an air craft were to fly threw my window and ruin me I’d almost be okay with it. 

First of all, yes the sun was shining today and it was beautiful… Until I got out of bed.  Obviously the first mistake because what sane person wakes up last minute for an appointment.  Me, that’s right. 

Let’s just clear something up.  I got a ticket the other day for and I quote “disobeying the traffic laws in a construction zone”  OKAY, seriously dude.. The “can’t turn left sign” was not in a very good place and if you expect people to follow the rules in a big city, maybe make your signs more visible!  Anyways, I digress.  Long and the short of it is I needed to switch over my insurance or else it’s a $2800 dollar fine for invalid insurance. 

So I go to get an inspection because when you move provinces you must jump threw hoops and also learn to fly before they even consider helping you.  All of a sudden, this little tiny Asian man, god bless his heart tells me that I don’t pass.. WHY YOU ASK.. Because of a tiny crack on my windshield. I said, sir.. Please, I need to get this done today and in some Asian form said no and the next thing I know I’m driving back to where I’m currently staying.  WHAT THE HELL.  It all happened so fast and next thing you know I am right back at square one and $145 dollars out.

So then I text my boyfriend, who was out with his friends the night before and he just won’t let me come pick him up.  Like what are you hiding?  At this point, my hairs a mess, my make up is EVERYWHERE and I look like I’ve been through it all.

Bottom line, insurance companies suck and so does Alberta. 

What will I do now?  Turn up some obnoxious music, have a cigarette and just cruise.

(even though driving at this point is illegal and I also don’t smoke regularly, I don’t care.)

Always, the lovely t.

Remember me.

I could stay if you asked me, but I wouldn’t.  I know it’s wrong, but who says it’s supposed to be right or that I’m supposed to understand you and what you like.  I like when we laid on the floor in my small apartment, fooling around as fallacious as it was and every other time after that.  How your hands tangled up in my hair made me feel alive and the way you called me miss, the little things you did like when you would look over your glasses at me, especially the way you would touch me.  I’ve never had sex like that in my life, that feeling of being really wanted.  The way you held me so close and the way you watched me move as if I was something you’d never seen before, you are brilliant and you are beautiful.  I wanted you and everything you had to offer at that time, that current moment.  I had you for a month and I loved you for a month.  I know I wasn’t supposed to feel and I did and that’s okay because I like how you speak and I love your raw passion for what you do and the knowledge you have and teach me.  Every time we are together, I enjoy you.  Your simple presence is a joy in itself.  Maybe it’s the mess inside myself that brings me closer to you or the fact that you’re so well put together on the outside that deep down you’re probably half the wreck I am.  Believe me it’s a war within myself I fight everyday.  Don’t think I’ll ever forget your face, you were worth all of it.  I don’t regret or feel guilt over anything we’ve shared.  You sir, are something else.  I had you for a month and then you were gone… or maybe I was gone.  I’m not sure, but I know if you had asked me to stay, I would have said no, kissed you on the cheek and left. 

Remember me, sir.  I too will remember you.

Always, The lovely T.

Soul mates, true or false?

Soul mates.  Is there such thing?  It’s absurd to think that one person can truly fulfill all your wants and needs.  There are billions of people in this world and for one person to be everything you’d ever hoped for is completely unfathomable.  Really?

As human beings we are taught to settle.  We are told that once we grow up we find respectable partners, get married, buy a house and eventually have children who we, as well will teach to settle.  You’ll have a good life with him they said… A good life indeed.

I am in a serious relationship and I always thought that “he’s the one.”   I also believe that the one could be sitting in the same room as me, sipping his coffee and may very well be able to offer me the emotional stimulant that my current relationship is missing and has been for a very long time.  It’s what happens when you get to comfortable with one person.  You become something that’s tangible. 

It stops being a relationship when you need that person instead of want that person.  Soul mate?  Pft, you might as well call it a cell mate.  Maybe we’re not supposed to find our soul mate.  We’re supposed to walk the earth in search but never to find. 

The point is, we are not meant to find our soul mates, why?  Because they simply do not exist.  You create your own happiness and all that comes with it.  You can spend your whole life in search of that person but you’ll only end up disappointed.  You’ll end up unhappy and sad.  If you find that person who you’re 100% happy with then love them while you can, share and explore, create memories. 

I don’t completely nix the idea of love, don’t get me wrong.  Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world but love shouldn’t just be passed around.  Love needs boundaries, or else it gets taken advantage of.  You can love something or someone with all your heart and expect nothing in return… Don’t love yourself into a coma. 

A soul mate?  No, no … A for now mate.

Okay.. hold up

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Just came across this quote for about the billionth time.  It drives me insane!

I think it’s completely unrealistic to hold all that emotion in, especially when something ends. People go their whole lives hiding behind a smile.  If something ends, whether good or bad and you want to cry about it.  CRY ABOUT IT!  What the hell is wrong with having an unreal cry session.  First of all, crying is a good thing.  Crying is something any normal human being does to let out whatever emotion they are feeling.  You get stronger everyday something happens.  You get better and wiser as the day’s go by.  So why not cry about it and then smile.  Here’s a story that goes along with this.  It’s sappy.. So beware my friends.

Once upon a time, when I was a 16 year old young lady I met a boy.  Wow, did I fall hard and fast.  I thought I was going to spend my life with this guy.  He was smart and hansom and everything any young girl could want in a guy ( I was 16, remember) and I really loved him.  Then.. Calgary stampede happened… I got a text saying “I hooked up with 3 different girls last night, Tia… Please don’t break up with me” for the whole day he fought for me and I forgave him because I wanted him, I loved him and couldn’t let him go. So the very next day happened and he did the exact same thing.  More girls.. I ended it right then and there.. and believe me I cried.  I cried on the bathroom floor, I cried in my bed, I cried on the bus, I cried at school, I cried in my loving mothers arms, I cried during work, I cried while I was eating, I cried while I was sleeping even.  Point is, I just cried.  It felt good, it felt real. My first heart break.  Looking back i’m glad I did.  My mom gave me the best advice. If all else fails, cry…as hard and as loud as you can, get it out.  Then, when you are done… Pick yourself up and carry on.  That’s exactly what I did.  Looking back.. I still feel that pain. I’m glad I did and i’m glad I went through it.  I’m a stronger person now then I ever was at 16. 

To end this story, that boy and I are actually friends now.  He’s probably one of the best.  I miss him, everyday. I can smile though, because I know that even though as bad as it hurt.  I learned. 

Crying is not a bad thing. It’s a beautiful emotion we shouldn’t take for granted.

Cry…. cry and cry and you will become stronger and better for it… That way, at the end of it all.  You smile 🙂

Well, this is a first.

Be gentle, it’s my first time.

On a day to day basis, I think these thoughts about so many different things that have to do with the beautiful of it all.  Life, love, work, friendships – you name it!  

So I decided to create a blog, eh why nawt.  Maybe i’ll take this time to introduce myself :

Who am I? Let me tell you!

I’m realistic and also not so much, I have an extremely dry sense of humor and that does make for awkward and awesome situations, but I don’t care to much what other’s think.  I believe in law of attraction and the ability to create.  I’m a little bit all over the place, which doesn’t always come in handy but I make it work.  I’m clumsy, very very very clumsy.  I make  mistakes like every other human being.  I’m sarcastic and very blunt.  I like to read and I like to write.  I once heard that “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” – Socrates – True story,  Knowledge is power.. you never stop learning.  Life is what you make it.  You are in charge of your own life and you have got to live it to the fullest.  I’m pretty much a mess all the time.. not in the woah your house looks like a tornado, more like omg your world is totally different from mine, but I like that and I think it works. I don’t think I could ever live without coffee and that’s something I don’t want to ever give up because it’s warm and delicious.  I’m smart and i’m delightful, most of the time.  I like the idea of a soul mate but I think it’s unrealistic and absolutely absurd.  I will write my heart out on this blog and I think that it’s okay.  It’s a lot cheaper then a psychologist and believe me.. we all need one.  I say what I think and i’m not afraid to hurt someone’s feelings… That sounds cold, but it’s not.  You are in control of your own feelings and if I make you feel that way then I apologize but maybe keep that wall up because the worlds going to break your heart everyday.  Don’t sweat it, you’ll live.  I rant like a crazy person and I am a little crazy.. but hey.. who isn’t these days.  I’m an open book and I would love to paint you a picture of myself.

Believe me when I say this.  You will know me… all about me, but not everything.

Until next time!

Always, thelovelyT