I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones. I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully. I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.
I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways. I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him. I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love.
As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?” He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion. It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter. But it does, it does matter.
I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive. I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.
Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated. I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?
I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar. I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about.
They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier. But I think they are entirely wrong. Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself. I hate that.
I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things. I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.
You know what kind of love I want? I’ll tell you.
The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing. Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you. They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on. Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable. I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all. I want love that is lustrous, and bold. Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for. A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning. The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand. The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason. A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam. A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them. The kind of love that makes you act instead of think. Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available. A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world. I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them. A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you. A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want. Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck. I want that love. That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.
Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for. I will tell you this: If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it. Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it. Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.
Always, the lovely t.