Well my, my.. look who it is.. me. I know I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I think it has something to do with my hectic life as of late… and by late I mean VERY late. No i’m not preggers so everyone can take a deep breath.
If that wasn’t a come back, I don’t know what was. Today as I was laying in bed watching gossip girl with my cat and some unforgivable clothing choices I realized I had hit rock bottom again. Not that I don’t have money or a beautiful house that I live in.. but emotionally I realized that I’m totally screwed.
These last few months have been traitorous. I think it’s because I haven’t been writing a whole lot. I have had a lot of loss the past few months and not like death in the family loss but things you maybe wouldn’t call a loss but to me are totally a loss and now i’m just rambling but that’s okay and i’m okay.. I think. I don’t know if a huge rant about my life is in order here.
I like to first point out the fact that i’m so far away from family right now it’s ridiculous. Dust and I pretty much have each other and that’s it. Which wouldn’t be so bad, that is if he didn’t work so far away from “home” and basically that leaves me, myself and I. Heart breaking, right? Nope. I actually have come to love my alone time and I’ve decided to embrace what others would call being a loner and turned it into yoga and the gym and of course a hot cup of tea before I go to bed.
I never imagined at my age to be where I am. I always pictured myself in New York, living in some loft with my cat to keep me company when I come home from exploring and learning about a huge city that when first arriving had no idea where to even begin. I think that is a good place to start. I imagined being a writer and having messy hair all the time and enjoying that about myself.. Not that I’m not that right now as we speak or as I type and you read I should say. I just always imagined my life different. I used to have dreams and maybe it’s the adult in me that has put a stop to that or the child in me who just wont let it go. I don’t think my life now is forever. Or maybe it is. I just couldn’t tell you.
That’s the worst part, not having somewhere to call home. Or maybe it’s the best part.. Is having a home and being able to go back? I think what i’m trying to do is figure it all out when really I have no chance in hell. I hope that one day I can love life as much as it has loved me. I am trying to find that inner peace that I think I lost a very long time ago and I hope to god and for everyone else sake but mostly my own that I find it and find it FAST.
Always, the lovely t