Just thinking

This morning I’ve been pretty busy.  I’ve cleaned my whole house and managed to get some studying done.   I’m sitting here now was my decafe coffee and the sun on my face at my kitchen table. I really enjoy this moment.  It’s peaceful like nothing can stop me at all right now.  My mind is just a working. 

So I know that majority of the reasons I have started this blog were to just vent out all my problems and realizations and also a lot of other things.  Basically anywhere this big mind will wonder.

Today i’m going to vent about Dustin again.  My friend called me at like 6 this morning drunk out of her tree and said she needed help.  So all I did was talk to the guy she was with wondering what was going on and if my friend was okay.  Dustin freaked out about me being on the phone with a guy.   WHO CARES.  It’s not like we were having passionate phone sex and I wasn’t even nice to the guy.  It’s so frustrating.  I don’t even know.

Also, Christmas.  Well it’s coming up pretty fast and i’m glad I have all mine done.  Because stores are crazy and if one more person bumps into and smiles i’ll bitch slap the shit out of them.  End rant.

I did all this baking then realized that basically I know no one in this new town and giving it to new neighbours kind of seems odd.. like Hi I don’t know you but if you’d like to try these macaroons then it’s pretty 50/50 they are either poisoned or delicious.  Merry Christmas.

LOL.  oh my god.  This whole thing is just a mess.  I think i’ll crawl back into bed for about… ever.

 

Always, The lovely t

Oh and it’s strong.

The last few months Dustin and I have not been getting along.  I mean we have had some major fights.  It’s making me question our whole relationship.  Actually, basically the last year of our relationship.  It’s hard because everytime we say were going to put in a solid effort it always goes sour within a week.  Not only that but it’s always over something so trivial and so not important.  I’m just frustrated because I love him, but is it possible to love someone too much?

Okay, so I have some big thoughts on that one.  I know it seems as if I start off writing about something that I am seriously wondering about… or just to rant and then end up answering my own questions.  That’s okay I suppose or maybe it’s a bad habit.  Any way, I think that it could potentially be possible to love someone too much and I say that because there is a point in EVERYONES relationship where you almost hit rock bottom.  For some “rock bottom” might be throwing a mushroom at your partner’s head and then calling it a day.  Other’s my be being unfaithful or straying.  I think it all stems from loving that person too much.  Let’s face it, when you love someone or something so deeply, what’s the one thing you’re afraid of?  It’s simple, losing it or him/her.  Thus the whole, rock bottom thing.  You resort to doing things and acting out like you wouldn’t normally do.  Instead of having your happy medium, you’re creating chaos and stress that is not needed.  Virtually, you being to push away the thing you love the most. 

Personally, I hate those stupid little things that tell you how love should be and what you should expect and then another one comes along saying “don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed”  It’s just so stupid.  We create our own happiness and love.  Who cares if it’s not exactly like Jane’s love down the road… Honestly Jane can go eff herself two ways till sunday for all I care.  I think that love is something that’s supposed to be pure… FROM THE HEART.  It is what it is, and it’s what you make it. 

So maybe it’s a new love, or an old love… But I encourage people to find the love that fits them.  You want to know why divorce is so high these day’s?  Because people give up, they stop fighting for the love they once had for a person, they make up a thousand excuses as to why they shouldn’t be together… What about why you SHOULD be together, the love you had, the spark that drew you to that person in the first place.  The way he or she looked walking up the stairs, or into the bar.  Anything.  I just don’t understand how people these day’s find it so damn easy to give up.  Break ups are one thing, but marriage and a life with someone is completely different.  Didn’t your mother ever tell you if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it? 

Another thing, people stray, they get into their imagination about another person and it becomes something they think is reality and want it.  What happens if you don’t find that other person and you’re alone?   You’re stuck without a soul to comfort you?  When you could be sitting at home with your adoring wife who gave you children and laughed at your stupid jokes for 20 years….

And speaking of stray’s.. I have a cat who is BEGGING for my attention. 

ta ta

 

Always, the lovely t

Guess who’s back.

Well my, my.. look who it is.. me.  I know I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I think it has something to do with my hectic life as of late… and by late I mean VERY late.  No i’m not preggers so everyone can take a deep breath. 

If that wasn’t a come back, I don’t know what was.  Today as I was laying in bed watching gossip girl with my cat and some unforgivable clothing choices I realized I had hit rock bottom again.  Not that I don’t have money or a beautiful house that I live in.. but emotionally I realized that I’m totally screwed. 

These last few months have been traitorous.  I think it’s because I haven’t been writing a whole lot.  I have had a lot of loss the past few months and not like death in the family loss but things you maybe wouldn’t call a loss but to me are totally a loss and now i’m just rambling but that’s okay and i’m okay.. I think.   I don’t know if a huge rant about my life is in order here.

I like to first point out the fact that i’m so far away from family right now it’s ridiculous.  Dust and I pretty much have each other and that’s it.  Which wouldn’t be so bad, that is if he didn’t work so far away from “home” and basically that leaves me, myself and I.  Heart breaking, right?  Nope.  I actually have come to love my alone time and I’ve decided to embrace what others would call being a loner and turned it into yoga and the gym and of course a hot cup of tea before I go to bed.  

I never imagined at my age to be where I am.  I always pictured myself in New York, living in some loft with my cat to keep me company when I come home from exploring and learning about a huge city that when first arriving had no idea where to even begin.  I think that is a good place to start.  I imagined being a writer and having messy hair all the time and enjoying that about myself.. Not that I’m not that right now as we speak or as I type and you read I should say.  I just always imagined my life different.  I used to have dreams and maybe it’s the adult in me that has put a stop to that or the child in me who just wont let it go.  I don’t think my life now is forever.  Or maybe it is.  I just couldn’t tell you. 

That’s the worst part, not having somewhere to call home.  Or maybe it’s the best part.. Is having a home and being able to go back? I think what i’m trying to do is figure it all out when really I have no chance in hell.  I hope that one day I can love life as much as it has loved me.  I am trying to find that inner peace that I think I lost a very long time ago and I hope to god and for everyone else sake but mostly my own that I find it and find it FAST.

 

Always, the lovely t