Bad news.

I always dreaded those doctor calls, where they say they’ll call you if anything comes up.  A few months ago, I went in for my yearly physical.  Being a woman, of course that includes a pap and cervical cancer screening as well.  

I am just now getting a call from the doctor regarding everything and turns out that in the cancer screen they found a-typical cells, meaning abnormal and I need to get them checked ASAP again because they are unsure.

Hearing this over the phone in a different province from your family and friends is a little heart aching.  I have always wondered what I would do if this situation has ever come up and now that it’s happening, i’m completely lost and very… too be honest.. Scared.

I didn’t know what to say at first, I didn’t know what to think or do.  My family has a history of cancer and I don’t want it.  Obviously.

I think what I’m feeling right now is confused.  I’m a little nervous to go get checked again because I don’t want to find out anymore bad news, i’ve even considered not going to the doctor again.  

I think that this is a natural human instinct, or just mine.. too run or stray when things get a little rough.  I have done my best to be strong about this but I really feel like breaking down.

I have so much on my mind about life and my love and to add this to the mix is sort of inconvenient. I can only think positive but yet my mind won’t stop thinking about the negative.  I hope that I can get through this.

I am concerned about my mother.  She is the most worried and most upset.  I hope that she will get through this and that she will be able to be there for me, which I know she will, I just don’t like seeing her hurt.  She is strong, and I hope I can be as strong as her.

 

Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest.  

Always, the lovely t.

Brooke’s sister

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I don’t normally take part in these things, but I can’t help it on a count that Brooke’s sister is one of my favorite followers and I appreciate all her support! She has passed this award onto me and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I’m not too sure how this works, so I’ll take my best shot at it and hope I score.

1. Thank the Super Sweet Blogger that nominated you. That’s Brooke’s sister.

2. Answer 5 Super Sweet questions.

3. Include the Super Sweet Blogging Award in your blog post.

4. Nominate a baker’s dozen (13) other deserving bloggers. I’m not sure who to nominate as I haven’t been on here too long

5. Notify your Super Sweet nominees on their blog.

5 SUPER SWEET QUESTIONS

1. Cookies or Cake? Both? I like cake. Cake is probably something I eat to much of.

2. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate, let me pose this question to you. When it comes to sex, would you like vanilla? Right. Chocolate it is.

3. Favorite Sweet Treat? Cookie dough blizzard from Dairy Queen, double fudge.

4. When Do You Crave Sweet Things The Most? During my period. I’m being honest here.

5. Sweet Nick Name? I have sweet tee or, T or lovely T.

World of me.

I wake up, I get ready, I drink my coffee and as of lately I have my cigarette.  I will go to the grave saying I don’t actually smoke and that I am strictly a closet smoker and because of stress, currently I am smoking more than less.  

I go to work, I go to my desk.  I go through my email and paper work and make sure all is well for the rest of my day. I have meetings and then finally I get down to work.  I have a typical job and it’s something I do enjoy.  I keep business and personal life separate or else I will start to hate my job and also the things I do in my spare time. 

My life right now is a complete mess.  I am so young and have my life together and i’m proud of that but also feel badly because I have yet to really live.  I know that this is so confusing and i’m also very confused hence my confusion rant.  But I can’t stress it enough that though you have your life together does not mean you can’t be a beautiful mess or maybe an unbeautiful mess.  Either way, it is hard to determine what makes life just good or great.  I don’t want good enough.  Some people are content with good enough and that’s okay.  

However I just wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have my life together. I studied and worked my ass off and I wonder what it would be like if I had slacked and not really cared.  I guess I should thank my mom for that because she was always on my case about being smart and understanding that life is what you make it and success is key and that if you want to be able to do things, you need to have money to do so but at the same time teaching me the value of a dollar and the ability to save and work for your money instead of having things handed to you, which is why I have an incredible work ethic and i’m very happy about that.  

I have this world that I live in that is so peculiar.  I don’t wish for a second it was different because I have grown to love my life and also dislike parts of it.  That’s generally something that happens though, you never stop wanting more and if you ever stop wanting more then I feel bad for you and I wish you the best in your already perfect life.

I hope that the world of me changes everyday, I hope that the little things start to count and I start to enjoy them even if they aren’t good.   I hope that eventually I will understand the depth of my life and the depth my heart, mind and soul.

I am a mess and I am put together.  The spectrum is endless.

Always, the lovely t.

The whereabouts of my mind.

A boy once asked me what my favorite flower was and because I am who I am of course the answer was not simple.  I can recall giving him a very long and drawn out story as to which flower I enjoyed looking at the most and the reasons why and then also a bunch of other flowers that I liked because of their certain features.  I am so concerned with this and my mind and the lack of ability to just answer a question simply.  But why, why answer questions so absent of the mind?

People these day’s don’t think to much before answering a question or saying things.  I am exactly like that to an extend or I guess i’ve become that because it’s much easier to handle people that way and it’s also hassle free to keep a wall up when you don’t give them the answers that they possibly desire without even being aware of the actual thing that under the surface they have a need to know.  If that wasn’t a mouthful then I have no idea what is.  

Anyways, I have come to realize I miss my old self and my extended answers to people.  I find myself boring these day’s and maybe that’s something i’m going to really have to work out. I think that I am more responsive and smart then I have ever been and it’s slowly killing me to have such a rushed response to people and their simple curiosity.

I like lilies, they are simple and delicate, I like the way they curve and I think they make a perfect wedding flower for the bride with an incomplex wedding.  Where she walks down the isle and they say their vows, kiss and have one hell of a party.  I would catch them, at least I would try when she throws them to the next bride.  They are timeless and full of beauty, I enjoy them and what they bring to occasions.

I adore lilacs because of the scent they give off in the summer, just as they are blooming.  It’s beautiful and reminds me of home and my mother. They are truly bold flowers and are everywhere, which is the best part. I love them and they bring me happiness.  I like the colors and how they dance in the wind.  I appreciate them and how lovely they are.

The daisy though, that is my favorite flower.  It is beautiful in all the right ways… He loves me, he loves me not.  It is soft and silent, you can find it anywhere. I relate to the daisy because like the daisy, I am all over the place.  It smells pretty and is sweet, simple and charming.  I love daisies.

 

The point is, to answer a question is easy.  Too answer the question while understanding it and going further in depth is something magnificent.

 

Always, the lovely t.

Work place ridicule.

I have missed a few day’s of work due to illness.  Not that it matters, in fact it really has nothing to do with what i’m actually going to write about.  I just wanted you to know, that I was sick.

Anyways, there is a woman I work with, she drives me insane.  I’ve been studying her and please don’t think i’m strange for that, I am a people watcher.  I try to understand and look past the things they do so that I am aware of who I surround myself with on a day to day basis.  This girl is different, she is loud, obnoxious and very blunt in all the wrong ways.

Since the day I have met this girl, I have not liked her.  I have been completely fake to her and I’m not afraid to admit that.  I have judged her and I need to stop because I have just realized something very important :

I am no better then her. I have my ways and she has hers.  I have not befriended this lady on a count that she is probably the most annoying and loud person I have ever encountered.  I have watched her and discovered that I simply don’t want to be her friend because of these faults that she has.  That doesn’t make me a bad person because I am only human and as a human being I am no different when it comes to the judgmental factors of life.  

I could describe to you this girl in many ways and I don’t think i’ll go there because she is not someone I enjoy.  She is someone I have studied and come to the conclusion that one, she is rude, two she is odd in all the ways someone can be odd and three, she is just plain aggravating.   

She has called me a princess and threatened me plenty of times at work.  First of all, miss… I am not a princess, I have grown and worked my ass off my whole life and have been tough when I needed to be and I am not a princess because I know I have gotten my hands dirty more times then she has.  Second of all, I called her Meggy one time to get her attention and her words were and I quote “If you call me that again I will end you.”  Okay, psycho… please take your meds and proceed to the next exit.  Third, she is so vexatious that I had to changed desks to escape her rath.

I will not judge her anymore.  I will not let my insecurities reflect onto this person.  I do not understand her yet, but I think there might be more to her then what she is portraying and maybe it’s my curiosity that wants to learn more about this person or the fact that I sort of feel bad for this girl and maybe it’s just that I have this incredible urge to help and heal people.  

I think she is damaged and tries to cover it up, honestly I just don’t know and I intend to find out.  

I will not judge, I will learn.

Always, the lovely T.

Confusion at it’s finest.

This blog came into my life at a very pivotal moment, when everything is falling apart and also coming together. If you think that confuses you, imagine how I feel myself.

I think that at some point something is going to have to give. My love life is falling apart, yet we just bought a house and are planning on starting a life together. I am so indifferent when it comes to the two. I love Dustin. I really do, but he is missing something. This totally ties in with my whole soul mate rant the other day. I know for a fact that I need him. We are who we are now because of each other. We helped create the monsters we are now and in this moment. I want to want him, I want more then to want him. I just don’t know which direction to go, we can’t go back now. We can’t just spend the rest of our day’s resenting each other for no reason. I enjoy him, most of the time.

I am only a young lady, I have yet to experience all the world has to offer and I intent not to because realistically, you just can’t. I do however, want to try to do so. I think that at the end of the day I would like Dustin to share this with me, share all the things I want to do. He is simple. He doesn’t have desire to do this or that. He is by the book and i’d like to throw it out the window. I spent a while thinking about what I should say or do with this. Like I said, everything is coming together and also falling apart.

My life is a good life, I have a house and a car and I have money. I have everything I need and more.
I assume one day it will all work out as most things do, but I won’t leave it entirely up to fate because honestly, if you want something done, you must do it yourself or sit on the sidelines and watch it all pass you by.

I have decided to continue being confused because I will spend my whole life confused, I will let things fall apart and come together… when I choose for them to do so.

I haven’t much else to understand other then life and I will figure it out one day, even if it’s my last day on earth I will figure it out.

always, The lovely T

Ain’t no way.

It’s kind of a funny story.  First of all, I was watching a commercial the other day about Canesten, you know the yeast infection cream that relieves us ladies of the burning sensation that no man will ever understand?  Right.  Anyways, yesterday I was feeling really uncomfortable and that’s when it hit me. Good lord, just another thing to add to my really shitty week.  That’s just me being a complainer and that my friends, is never going to change.  Honestly.  A yeast infection?  Then this morning I wake up and guess what?  I go to turn on the news and what do I see, a flippin’ commercial for Canesten.  

Here comes the real rant:

Number one, NO woman in this world is happy about a yeast infection, so dammit lady in the commercial wipe that stupid smile off your face, if you really had a yeast infection then you would laying in bed crying, barely able to walk.  Second, who the hell wants to SHOW OFF that they have a yeast infection.  The lady’s walking around in the commercial with a see threw bag like she’s proud of that shit.  I don’t think so, ain’t no way any woman in this world is one, happy about a yeast infection and two, proud to show it off via see threw bag.  

End rant.

Always, the lovely t.

That’s when it happened.

I was sitting across from Dustin this morning at milestones.  I watched as he ordered and the way he moved the menu’s around, very carefully.   I thought to myself “I don’t even like this man, I don’t even enjoy his company.” That is harsh and really blunt but I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s anything he really did, I think it has to do with me and my selfish ways.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been attracted to him.  I think it was more how he treated me in the beginning that made me fall so in love. 

As I watched him move and talk, not really listening to intently I blurted out “We don’t love each other like we used to, do we?”  He smirked and said “What are you talking about?” and that was the end of the discussion.  It upset me because he didn’t seem to worried about why I was questioning that. Like it was some sort of joke and he just passed it off like it didn’t matter.  But it does, it does matter.

I have began to wonder, I have become lost and illusive.  I have decided I no longer understand how I feel about this person and that is bothersome. I have become this person who tolerates, I no longer want but need this person.

Apart of me feels as if we have come to far in this relationship to actually ever be separated.  I remember when we first met and how much he loved me. How much he had cared and how much he told me he would do anything for me. What changed?

I think we got to comfortable, we got to familiar.  I feel that in this life you can only give so much love until it becomes too much and you begin to smother, obsess, worry about things that shouldn’t be worried about. 

They say it’s supposed to feel right, supposed to feel good, supposed to get easier.  But I think they are entirely wrong.  Hopeless romantics sicken me, especially because deep down I am one myself.  I hate that. 

I sit back looking at him, I wonder what he’s thinking.. probably not much since he is a simple man. I used to love that about him, that he didn’t think to much into things.  I’ve grown to hate it, I’ve grown to resent him for it.  

You know what kind of love I want?  I’ll tell you.

The kind of love I want is the quick love, where you meet and you begin to think about them all the time, what they are doing and most importantly how they are doing.  Where they can’t keep their eye’s off you.  They love the way you move and could watch you get ready for hours or walk around the kitchen with only a t-shirt on.  Where the coffee is always hot and the sex even hotter. I want sexy not beautiful, wanted and desirable.  I want that love that maybe isn’t love at all.  I want love that is lustrous, and bold.  Where a walk in the middle of a storm isn’t too much to ask for.  A kiss goodnight and a snuggle in the morning.  The paper on the table that never get’s read or the dust that settles on the night stand.  The simple things, where you dance in the living room for no reason.  A sweet proposal in the bathroom after you get out of the shower a “will you marry me?” written in the steam.  A life full of happiness and not materialist shit. A passion you share with each other that is so strong it goes deep into your soul and sticks for as long as live. Trust and understanding but not the understanding where you need to understand them specifically and all that they do and want but understanding that sometimes you don’t have to understand but be there for them and support them.  The kind of love that makes you act instead of think.  Where you can’t help but talk to them even if they aren’t available.  A sweet note on the car before they drive off into the busy world.  I quick fight that’s resolved in seconds because you realize how sexy they are when they’re mad and can’t keep your hands off them.  A laugh that lasts a lifetime or a quick look that is only meant for you.  A different kind of rough love, where you don’t need but want.   Silence, the kind you can sit in and not give a fuck.  I want that love.  That love that’s relevant and means something, even if it isn’t much.

Maybe, that’s a lot to ask for and maybe it’s something that I can’t express enough want for.  I will tell you this:  If only once you get to experience this sort of love and maybe it won’t last forever but if just once you get to feel this love then enjoy it, remember it and cherish it.  Even if you marry a man who isn’t that but you’ve felt it.  Then I am envious, I am jealous and you are very lucky.

Always, the lovely t.

Coffee and a fight.

Throughout the last few years that my partner and I have been together, I have come to realize that he will never get rid of his “best friend.”  That sounds crazy that a girlfriend would ask her boyfriend to nix the bff.  However, this best friend is not a good best friend but a horrible best friend.

When we first started dating, I tried hard to get in with his friends.  I did all that I could to prove that I was a good person for Dustin.  Looking back now, I regret doing that. 

This best friends name is Crane, legit.. his name is actually Crane.  I have tried to see the good in this person for as long as possible but I just can’t do it anymore.  The way I would pitch Crane to someone would be this : If you like giving your money away instead of lending, if you like drugs that you have to pay for while he does them, if you like lazy, no interest in getting a job or even trying to become a normal human being in society.  If you enjoy wasting your friends time and coming between their relationship knowing full well how the girlfriend feels about drugs and other things, then Crane… He is the friend for you.  

Dustin is a good person, he is smart and nice.  He has a good job and a good life ahead of him.  We just bought a house and are planning to hopefully start a family.  I on the other hand have put a stop to all those big plans until he is done being friends with Crane. 

I have never understood why Dustin surrounds himself with friends that are so useless to him and I’ve asked him so many times, why?! Is it because you feel bad for them?  But no he says.  I just don’t get it, am I completely stupid?

He argues with me to the bitter end when it comes to who he will you choose.  I am lost.  I don’t know if I should walk away at this point. 

I would have never asked this of any of my boyfriends but I felt like it was necessary.  I need him to understand that it’s for his own well being and that I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t feel it to be something of great importance.

Until next time, Always, the lovely t.

Cowboy boots and cardigans.

I am from the country.  My father is an extremely hard working man and does what he can to support his family.  My mother is the nicest and most loving person you will ever meet, it doesn’t matter who you are – she will love you.  My brother is something different, he is a strong person but deep down he is the sweetest kid and wears his heart on his sleeve.  My sister is a beautiful little girl with a lot of built up emotion that she doesn’t know how to control, probably what happens when you are the youngest of three.  Me? I am the oldest and I hold the family together.  I keep what’s left of this little family alive.  I am the most feisty and reluctant person when it comes to these four people who I have loved since the day I met each and every one of them. 

We are all different and probably the reason we don’t all get along very well.  Except my mom, she gets along with everyone because she is so nice but also naïve and that makes her a push over.  Yet she is the most beautiful human being I know, would and has done everything and anything for us.  My dad is head strong, very set in his ways – Sort of like me, which I can’t say is a bad thing although I know it is, simply because I, myself am not ashamed to admit I have an anger problem and take it out on the innocence of whoever is around me.  I know that my brother is becoming like that, but he is the best balance out of all three between the two parents.  My sister, she is my mother.  She is blonde and blue eyed and is a complete wreck much like myself. 

I am far from them, physically.  I get phone calls or texts every week to update me on what’s going on.  It would seem as if they are all falling apart with out me, I am troubled by this.  I don’t think it’s selfish that I ran away from it all. I think it’s fair.  I think that I, being the oldest should have the chance to get away.  I know Thomas, my brother will eventually want to run away too.  Chelbie, my sister, she will be the one that stay’s.  She loves my mom more then any of us and she isn’t afraid to show it. 

I am that glue, I put the pieces together when they have fallen apart. I am the one they go to.  I have the answers and I don’t know how I got them. I grew up fast and I grew up like this.  I am not ashamed as I have stated.  We are a beautiful family and we love each other all very much.  We say things we don’t mean and we don’t get over it very easily but I know that if any one us needed anything we would be there. 

My mom and her faith, she is a good lady, with a good heart and she is loved.  She thinks the world of everybody she meets and rarely has anything to say that is bad about anyone.  She will take you in to her house and become your friend, she will make you a cup of tea and from then on she will be your rock, when you need her she will be there.  I don’t know how she does it, I look at her sometimes puzzled.. wondering how she sees the good in everything as if nothing bad can happen.  She just takes the good with the bad and she enjoys her life, I wish I could say the same, not that I don’t but just the way she does it.  Like nothing can stop her.  She’s has raised me to be an excellent person with good intention and I love her for that and I know that I have a functional part to me and that part is her. The only thing that has been consistent in my life is her love.  I will tell you this though, if you mess with her dog… she will attack.. my mom I mean… not the dog.

My dad, he is where the dysfunction in my life comes from.  I have always wondered why my dad is so set in his ways and how he does things.  I’ve often wondered if it was his mother who instilled that in him.  He is a strong man and a very hard worker.  He has done plenty for us and he will continue to do plenty.  He has had a rough life within himself I believe and I don’t think he will ever get over it.  I think that he loves us though, I know he always has and always will.  He is a protector and he is a fighter.  He loves his daughters and when he first met Dustin he put the fear of god into him and they have oddly enough been friends ever since.  I know that somewhere in the big persona he reflects is a huge teddy bear.  He will tell you how it is and you will listen.  He is that person.  My dad has raised me to be tough, there are no pansies in his little family unit.  I like scotch and whiskey and that is because of my father.  Not that he was a drunk, because he’s not, he’s far from it.  He always told me to cover my own ass and that I am number one.  Do what makes you happy he said, do not live for others or you will never truly live.  I know that is true and the reason I’m this tough, take no shit, do what I want, when I want and dysfunctional person is because of him.  I am a good mix between the two parents. 

My brother and sister are who they are.  My brother is a strong young man who is trying to live up to the standards my dad has set for him and my sister is an innocent all around sweetheart who buries her emotions so deep inside that when they come out she becomes a monster and yet she is so lost that I need to guide her.. I need to guide her to the part of herself where she will feel okay.  I miss them, I feel sad that I can’t be there to watch them grow and learn but I can teach them all the things I have learned.

I am the glue, I have said this before and I will say it again.  I am that part of my family that holds them together, when they are lost or when they are found.  Without me, they would fall apart.  This is true and this is what I know.  I love them and they love me.

I know that one day, I will be back with them and maybe one day I will add to this family.  Until then, I will be the glue and they will be the pieces.

Always, the lovely t.