Just thinking

This morning I’ve been pretty busy.  I’ve cleaned my whole house and managed to get some studying done.   I’m sitting here now was my decafe coffee and the sun on my face at my kitchen table. I really enjoy this moment.  It’s peaceful like nothing can stop me at all right now.  My mind is just a working. 

So I know that majority of the reasons I have started this blog were to just vent out all my problems and realizations and also a lot of other things.  Basically anywhere this big mind will wonder.

Today i’m going to vent about Dustin again.  My friend called me at like 6 this morning drunk out of her tree and said she needed help.  So all I did was talk to the guy she was with wondering what was going on and if my friend was okay.  Dustin freaked out about me being on the phone with a guy.   WHO CARES.  It’s not like we were having passionate phone sex and I wasn’t even nice to the guy.  It’s so frustrating.  I don’t even know.

Also, Christmas.  Well it’s coming up pretty fast and i’m glad I have all mine done.  Because stores are crazy and if one more person bumps into and smiles i’ll bitch slap the shit out of them.  End rant.

I did all this baking then realized that basically I know no one in this new town and giving it to new neighbours kind of seems odd.. like Hi I don’t know you but if you’d like to try these macaroons then it’s pretty 50/50 they are either poisoned or delicious.  Merry Christmas.

LOL.  oh my god.  This whole thing is just a mess.  I think i’ll crawl back into bed for about… ever.

 

Always, The lovely t

Oh and it’s strong.

The last few months Dustin and I have not been getting along.  I mean we have had some major fights.  It’s making me question our whole relationship.  Actually, basically the last year of our relationship.  It’s hard because everytime we say were going to put in a solid effort it always goes sour within a week.  Not only that but it’s always over something so trivial and so not important.  I’m just frustrated because I love him, but is it possible to love someone too much?

Okay, so I have some big thoughts on that one.  I know it seems as if I start off writing about something that I am seriously wondering about… or just to rant and then end up answering my own questions.  That’s okay I suppose or maybe it’s a bad habit.  Any way, I think that it could potentially be possible to love someone too much and I say that because there is a point in EVERYONES relationship where you almost hit rock bottom.  For some “rock bottom” might be throwing a mushroom at your partner’s head and then calling it a day.  Other’s my be being unfaithful or straying.  I think it all stems from loving that person too much.  Let’s face it, when you love someone or something so deeply, what’s the one thing you’re afraid of?  It’s simple, losing it or him/her.  Thus the whole, rock bottom thing.  You resort to doing things and acting out like you wouldn’t normally do.  Instead of having your happy medium, you’re creating chaos and stress that is not needed.  Virtually, you being to push away the thing you love the most. 

Personally, I hate those stupid little things that tell you how love should be and what you should expect and then another one comes along saying “don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed”  It’s just so stupid.  We create our own happiness and love.  Who cares if it’s not exactly like Jane’s love down the road… Honestly Jane can go eff herself two ways till sunday for all I care.  I think that love is something that’s supposed to be pure… FROM THE HEART.  It is what it is, and it’s what you make it. 

So maybe it’s a new love, or an old love… But I encourage people to find the love that fits them.  You want to know why divorce is so high these day’s?  Because people give up, they stop fighting for the love they once had for a person, they make up a thousand excuses as to why they shouldn’t be together… What about why you SHOULD be together, the love you had, the spark that drew you to that person in the first place.  The way he or she looked walking up the stairs, or into the bar.  Anything.  I just don’t understand how people these day’s find it so damn easy to give up.  Break ups are one thing, but marriage and a life with someone is completely different.  Didn’t your mother ever tell you if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it? 

Another thing, people stray, they get into their imagination about another person and it becomes something they think is reality and want it.  What happens if you don’t find that other person and you’re alone?   You’re stuck without a soul to comfort you?  When you could be sitting at home with your adoring wife who gave you children and laughed at your stupid jokes for 20 years….

And speaking of stray’s.. I have a cat who is BEGGING for my attention. 

ta ta

 

Always, the lovely t

Guess who’s back.

Well my, my.. look who it is.. me.  I know I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I think it has something to do with my hectic life as of late… and by late I mean VERY late.  No i’m not preggers so everyone can take a deep breath. 

If that wasn’t a come back, I don’t know what was.  Today as I was laying in bed watching gossip girl with my cat and some unforgivable clothing choices I realized I had hit rock bottom again.  Not that I don’t have money or a beautiful house that I live in.. but emotionally I realized that I’m totally screwed. 

These last few months have been traitorous.  I think it’s because I haven’t been writing a whole lot.  I have had a lot of loss the past few months and not like death in the family loss but things you maybe wouldn’t call a loss but to me are totally a loss and now i’m just rambling but that’s okay and i’m okay.. I think.   I don’t know if a huge rant about my life is in order here.

I like to first point out the fact that i’m so far away from family right now it’s ridiculous.  Dust and I pretty much have each other and that’s it.  Which wouldn’t be so bad, that is if he didn’t work so far away from “home” and basically that leaves me, myself and I.  Heart breaking, right?  Nope.  I actually have come to love my alone time and I’ve decided to embrace what others would call being a loner and turned it into yoga and the gym and of course a hot cup of tea before I go to bed.  

I never imagined at my age to be where I am.  I always pictured myself in New York, living in some loft with my cat to keep me company when I come home from exploring and learning about a huge city that when first arriving had no idea where to even begin.  I think that is a good place to start.  I imagined being a writer and having messy hair all the time and enjoying that about myself.. Not that I’m not that right now as we speak or as I type and you read I should say.  I just always imagined my life different.  I used to have dreams and maybe it’s the adult in me that has put a stop to that or the child in me who just wont let it go.  I don’t think my life now is forever.  Or maybe it is.  I just couldn’t tell you. 

That’s the worst part, not having somewhere to call home.  Or maybe it’s the best part.. Is having a home and being able to go back? I think what i’m trying to do is figure it all out when really I have no chance in hell.  I hope that one day I can love life as much as it has loved me.  I am trying to find that inner peace that I think I lost a very long time ago and I hope to god and for everyone else sake but mostly my own that I find it and find it FAST.

 

Always, the lovely t 

Bad news.

I always dreaded those doctor calls, where they say they’ll call you if anything comes up.  A few months ago, I went in for my yearly physical.  Being a woman, of course that includes a pap and cervical cancer screening as well.  

I am just now getting a call from the doctor regarding everything and turns out that in the cancer screen they found a-typical cells, meaning abnormal and I need to get them checked ASAP again because they are unsure.

Hearing this over the phone in a different province from your family and friends is a little heart aching.  I have always wondered what I would do if this situation has ever come up and now that it’s happening, i’m completely lost and very… too be honest.. Scared.

I didn’t know what to say at first, I didn’t know what to think or do.  My family has a history of cancer and I don’t want it.  Obviously.

I think what I’m feeling right now is confused.  I’m a little nervous to go get checked again because I don’t want to find out anymore bad news, i’ve even considered not going to the doctor again.  

I think that this is a natural human instinct, or just mine.. too run or stray when things get a little rough.  I have done my best to be strong about this but I really feel like breaking down.

I have so much on my mind about life and my love and to add this to the mix is sort of inconvenient. I can only think positive but yet my mind won’t stop thinking about the negative.  I hope that I can get through this.

I am concerned about my mother.  She is the most worried and most upset.  I hope that she will get through this and that she will be able to be there for me, which I know she will, I just don’t like seeing her hurt.  She is strong, and I hope I can be as strong as her.

 

Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest.  

Always, the lovely t.

Brooke’s sister

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I don’t normally take part in these things, but I can’t help it on a count that Brooke’s sister is one of my favorite followers and I appreciate all her support! She has passed this award onto me and I couldn’t be more thankful.

I’m not too sure how this works, so I’ll take my best shot at it and hope I score.

1. Thank the Super Sweet Blogger that nominated you. That’s Brooke’s sister.

2. Answer 5 Super Sweet questions.

3. Include the Super Sweet Blogging Award in your blog post.

4. Nominate a baker’s dozen (13) other deserving bloggers. I’m not sure who to nominate as I haven’t been on here too long

5. Notify your Super Sweet nominees on their blog.

5 SUPER SWEET QUESTIONS

1. Cookies or Cake? Both? I like cake. Cake is probably something I eat to much of.

2. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate, let me pose this question to you. When it comes to sex, would you like vanilla? Right. Chocolate it is.

3. Favorite Sweet Treat? Cookie dough blizzard from Dairy Queen, double fudge.

4. When Do You Crave Sweet Things The Most? During my period. I’m being honest here.

5. Sweet Nick Name? I have sweet tee or, T or lovely T.

World of me.

I wake up, I get ready, I drink my coffee and as of lately I have my cigarette.  I will go to the grave saying I don’t actually smoke and that I am strictly a closet smoker and because of stress, currently I am smoking more than less.  

I go to work, I go to my desk.  I go through my email and paper work and make sure all is well for the rest of my day. I have meetings and then finally I get down to work.  I have a typical job and it’s something I do enjoy.  I keep business and personal life separate or else I will start to hate my job and also the things I do in my spare time. 

My life right now is a complete mess.  I am so young and have my life together and i’m proud of that but also feel badly because I have yet to really live.  I know that this is so confusing and i’m also very confused hence my confusion rant.  But I can’t stress it enough that though you have your life together does not mean you can’t be a beautiful mess or maybe an unbeautiful mess.  Either way, it is hard to determine what makes life just good or great.  I don’t want good enough.  Some people are content with good enough and that’s okay.  

However I just wonder what life would be like if I didn’t have my life together. I studied and worked my ass off and I wonder what it would be like if I had slacked and not really cared.  I guess I should thank my mom for that because she was always on my case about being smart and understanding that life is what you make it and success is key and that if you want to be able to do things, you need to have money to do so but at the same time teaching me the value of a dollar and the ability to save and work for your money instead of having things handed to you, which is why I have an incredible work ethic and i’m very happy about that.  

I have this world that I live in that is so peculiar.  I don’t wish for a second it was different because I have grown to love my life and also dislike parts of it.  That’s generally something that happens though, you never stop wanting more and if you ever stop wanting more then I feel bad for you and I wish you the best in your already perfect life.

I hope that the world of me changes everyday, I hope that the little things start to count and I start to enjoy them even if they aren’t good.   I hope that eventually I will understand the depth of my life and the depth my heart, mind and soul.

I am a mess and I am put together.  The spectrum is endless.

Always, the lovely t.

The whereabouts of my mind.

A boy once asked me what my favorite flower was and because I am who I am of course the answer was not simple.  I can recall giving him a very long and drawn out story as to which flower I enjoyed looking at the most and the reasons why and then also a bunch of other flowers that I liked because of their certain features.  I am so concerned with this and my mind and the lack of ability to just answer a question simply.  But why, why answer questions so absent of the mind?

People these day’s don’t think to much before answering a question or saying things.  I am exactly like that to an extend or I guess i’ve become that because it’s much easier to handle people that way and it’s also hassle free to keep a wall up when you don’t give them the answers that they possibly desire without even being aware of the actual thing that under the surface they have a need to know.  If that wasn’t a mouthful then I have no idea what is.  

Anyways, I have come to realize I miss my old self and my extended answers to people.  I find myself boring these day’s and maybe that’s something i’m going to really have to work out. I think that I am more responsive and smart then I have ever been and it’s slowly killing me to have such a rushed response to people and their simple curiosity.

I like lilies, they are simple and delicate, I like the way they curve and I think they make a perfect wedding flower for the bride with an incomplex wedding.  Where she walks down the isle and they say their vows, kiss and have one hell of a party.  I would catch them, at least I would try when she throws them to the next bride.  They are timeless and full of beauty, I enjoy them and what they bring to occasions.

I adore lilacs because of the scent they give off in the summer, just as they are blooming.  It’s beautiful and reminds me of home and my mother. They are truly bold flowers and are everywhere, which is the best part. I love them and they bring me happiness.  I like the colors and how they dance in the wind.  I appreciate them and how lovely they are.

The daisy though, that is my favorite flower.  It is beautiful in all the right ways… He loves me, he loves me not.  It is soft and silent, you can find it anywhere. I relate to the daisy because like the daisy, I am all over the place.  It smells pretty and is sweet, simple and charming.  I love daisies.

 

The point is, to answer a question is easy.  Too answer the question while understanding it and going further in depth is something magnificent.

 

Always, the lovely t.

Work place ridicule.

I have missed a few day’s of work due to illness.  Not that it matters, in fact it really has nothing to do with what i’m actually going to write about.  I just wanted you to know, that I was sick.

Anyways, there is a woman I work with, she drives me insane.  I’ve been studying her and please don’t think i’m strange for that, I am a people watcher.  I try to understand and look past the things they do so that I am aware of who I surround myself with on a day to day basis.  This girl is different, she is loud, obnoxious and very blunt in all the wrong ways.

Since the day I have met this girl, I have not liked her.  I have been completely fake to her and I’m not afraid to admit that.  I have judged her and I need to stop because I have just realized something very important :

I am no better then her. I have my ways and she has hers.  I have not befriended this lady on a count that she is probably the most annoying and loud person I have ever encountered.  I have watched her and discovered that I simply don’t want to be her friend because of these faults that she has.  That doesn’t make me a bad person because I am only human and as a human being I am no different when it comes to the judgmental factors of life.  

I could describe to you this girl in many ways and I don’t think i’ll go there because she is not someone I enjoy.  She is someone I have studied and come to the conclusion that one, she is rude, two she is odd in all the ways someone can be odd and three, she is just plain aggravating.   

She has called me a princess and threatened me plenty of times at work.  First of all, miss… I am not a princess, I have grown and worked my ass off my whole life and have been tough when I needed to be and I am not a princess because I know I have gotten my hands dirty more times then she has.  Second of all, I called her Meggy one time to get her attention and her words were and I quote “If you call me that again I will end you.”  Okay, psycho… please take your meds and proceed to the next exit.  Third, she is so vexatious that I had to changed desks to escape her rath.

I will not judge her anymore.  I will not let my insecurities reflect onto this person.  I do not understand her yet, but I think there might be more to her then what she is portraying and maybe it’s my curiosity that wants to learn more about this person or the fact that I sort of feel bad for this girl and maybe it’s just that I have this incredible urge to help and heal people.  

I think she is damaged and tries to cover it up, honestly I just don’t know and I intend to find out.  

I will not judge, I will learn.

Always, the lovely T.

Confusion at it’s finest.

This blog came into my life at a very pivotal moment, when everything is falling apart and also coming together. If you think that confuses you, imagine how I feel myself.

I think that at some point something is going to have to give. My love life is falling apart, yet we just bought a house and are planning on starting a life together. I am so indifferent when it comes to the two. I love Dustin. I really do, but he is missing something. This totally ties in with my whole soul mate rant the other day. I know for a fact that I need him. We are who we are now because of each other. We helped create the monsters we are now and in this moment. I want to want him, I want more then to want him. I just don’t know which direction to go, we can’t go back now. We can’t just spend the rest of our day’s resenting each other for no reason. I enjoy him, most of the time.

I am only a young lady, I have yet to experience all the world has to offer and I intent not to because realistically, you just can’t. I do however, want to try to do so. I think that at the end of the day I would like Dustin to share this with me, share all the things I want to do. He is simple. He doesn’t have desire to do this or that. He is by the book and i’d like to throw it out the window. I spent a while thinking about what I should say or do with this. Like I said, everything is coming together and also falling apart.

My life is a good life, I have a house and a car and I have money. I have everything I need and more.
I assume one day it will all work out as most things do, but I won’t leave it entirely up to fate because honestly, if you want something done, you must do it yourself or sit on the sidelines and watch it all pass you by.

I have decided to continue being confused because I will spend my whole life confused, I will let things fall apart and come together… when I choose for them to do so.

I haven’t much else to understand other then life and I will figure it out one day, even if it’s my last day on earth I will figure it out.

always, The lovely T

Ain’t no way.

It’s kind of a funny story.  First of all, I was watching a commercial the other day about Canesten, you know the yeast infection cream that relieves us ladies of the burning sensation that no man will ever understand?  Right.  Anyways, yesterday I was feeling really uncomfortable and that’s when it hit me. Good lord, just another thing to add to my really shitty week.  That’s just me being a complainer and that my friends, is never going to change.  Honestly.  A yeast infection?  Then this morning I wake up and guess what?  I go to turn on the news and what do I see, a flippin’ commercial for Canesten.  

Here comes the real rant:

Number one, NO woman in this world is happy about a yeast infection, so dammit lady in the commercial wipe that stupid smile off your face, if you really had a yeast infection then you would laying in bed crying, barely able to walk.  Second, who the hell wants to SHOW OFF that they have a yeast infection.  The lady’s walking around in the commercial with a see threw bag like she’s proud of that shit.  I don’t think so, ain’t no way any woman in this world is one, happy about a yeast infection and two, proud to show it off via see threw bag.  

End rant.

Always, the lovely t.